Late diagnosis here (38 when diagnosed, now 42)… I agree with everything you said. I had an amazing set of systems and coping mechanisms in place to get through life without realizing I was playing the game on hard mode. In retrospect, the signs were all there my whole life but I just hadn’t had the realization.
Now that I’m medicated (methylphenidate), I still lean on those systems but they serve me very very well. I remember details much better than I did, but don’t always remember them long-term. The note taking system and habit that I developed years ago is now… supercharged because I am so much better about keeping good notes.
On the coffee/meds thing, I agree. I don’t get a buzz from the medication the way I do from coffee, but before my diagnosis I was drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee every day just to stay focused, with the associated buzz and jitters. I still have a cup or two of coffee in the morning, but drinking anywhere near as much as I used to is pretty much unbearable.
Wow I could have wrote this exactly excepy for a 1 year difference in diagnosis.
It's hard to reconcile with how difficult it was previously. Life on hard mode is a term ived used too. I try to think that it was all to make me stronger for the second half of my life, but I still regularly wonder what could have been.
Heh, my undergrad transcript is so funny to look at in hindsight. Great grades in the hard courses, terrible grades in the easy courses. Did well on the final exams for all of them, couldn't be arsed to do the homework for the boring ones.
Please stop telling the world about my school experience!
One time I realized I hadn't gone to my intro chemistry class yet that semester and had a test that day. I went, bluffed my way through based on what I remembered from high school chemistry, figured out mid-test how to calculate rate-limiting reactions, and aced it. My then-girlfriend, now-wife was so incredibly annoyed with me about every bit of that. "What do you mean, you hadn't gone to class, ever? And that you still aced the test?!"
And I also failed a comparatively easy general ed class because I just couldn't convince my brain to care, even though I know I needed it and certainly didn't want to take it a second time.
Heh, yeah… I still occasionally have nightmares about something like that happening. Just completely forgetting about being registered in a class and walking in half-way through the year.
Had a midterm for a class I did actually like that went sort of how you described. I prepared for it a bit and was sitting around with some friends killing time before the 2pm exam. It’s about 1:40pm, I figure it’s time to head over. Go to the course website to find which room the exam is in and discover that the exam started at 1pm. Run over there, get there at 1:50pm, and finish the exam before the 2:30pm end time. Hand it in, the professor knew I’d been really late and had a weird look on his face as I give it to him. He looks it over, smiles, and says “I was going to offer some extra time for you because of the mix-up but… looking at your answers here… I don’t think you need it! See you on Thursday!”
Also with you (both) on this one in pretty much every way too. I'd justify hard mode that I loved challenges (and I did, just not always in the right areas).
I try not to look/think back too much - I had (sort of still have) a very successful career but the costs associated with getting there were and are still being paid for.
Getting treatment and therapy has really helped improve my ability to be present, though still such a battle.
Now that I’m medicated (methylphenidate), I still lean on those systems but they serve me very very well. I remember details much better than I did, but don’t always remember them long-term. The note taking system and habit that I developed years ago is now… supercharged because I am so much better about keeping good notes.
On the coffee/meds thing, I agree. I don’t get a buzz from the medication the way I do from coffee, but before my diagnosis I was drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee every day just to stay focused, with the associated buzz and jitters. I still have a cup or two of coffee in the morning, but drinking anywhere near as much as I used to is pretty much unbearable.